I wrote this last summer, intending to enter it into the First/Last
category, but never got around to it.  Last year was a bit hectic,
shall we say. LOL  Anyway, it fits nicely into the Adult category for
this year, so I'm entering it hoping that it'll kickstart my brain to
be able to write more.  I think I'm getting rusty, and I don't want
that to happen.

Jen

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Category: Adult
Word Count: 457 words

Not Safe

by Jen

I am trustworthy, but I'm not safe.  How can I be when I seem to want
and need so much?  Maybe this is what scares you, what keeps you at
that emotional distance.  You see how I hunger for the cane, just one
more stroke, hard, harder.  You're willing, but something in me scares
you, confuses your sense of who you think I should be.  The exterior I
show to the world belies what you see in private.  No one in the
outside world knows what it is that fuels me, makes me who I truly am,
but you do, and even as you give me these things, the thudding blows of
the cane, or the lashes of the belt, there is a part of you that stands
back from it all.  I can see that part of you sometimes, weighing and
considering your next step, your next comment.  You're willing to get
only so close; anything else is too close for comfort.

You know me so well, you know exactly when I've been punished enough,
and that holding me after you've punished me is just as good as the
spanking for me.  But you don't realize that I hear and feel your
heartbeat as my head rests against your chest, and your heart tells a
different story from what you show outwardly.  You pretend not to be
emotionally attached, but I've never known anyone's heart to beat so
fast.  You hold me close to you, for a few minutes allowing the
closeness you seem to deny yourself any other time, and I've felt you
squeeze me just a little tighter, just a little longer than I expect. 
But then you let go and the barrier comes up again.  After all this
time I still don't understand why, because I can't ask.

To ask would scare you away, because you think you're not supposed to
be attached to someone like me.  I don't fit the mold.  You tell
yourself that you can't possibly feel anything for someone like me. 
Whether it's because of some sense of yourself that would be damaged,
or how others would see you, I don't know.  All I know is that there's
this huge gap between how you are most of the time, and how you are
when you spank me.  And right after you spank me, don't forget that. 
That's when I think that it would be so easy to sway your opinion, to
make you see what you seem to feel for that short time, but I don't
dare.  I can't and still keep you in my life, I know that.  So I stay
quiet while the questions boil just below the surface.

I'm trustworthy, but I'm not safe.  Am I?