I had been honest with her, about the fantasies I had about her, the
things I wanted to do.
The results were predictable: She freaked. Spectacularly.

It had been three days since I had seen her. She didn't call, didn't
answer. I had given up hope when she called. No hi, no it's me, nothing
except for the question: why do you want to do that to me?

I told her the truth. If she didn't understand, no explanation could
make her. If she did, no answer was needed. She hung up without saying
a word.

--

I could tell it was her writing before I was close enough to see the
note on the door. My heart dropped. It had been an eternity since I had
heard from her. I gently peeled the tape off of the door, my vision to
blurry to read. I made it inside, collapsing against the wall. I tried
to crawl into the darkness of the apartment, my heart and soul ripped
asunder.

I don't know how long I had been there, in the corner. I was too tired
to cry anymore. At least I thought I was.
I started to read, telling myself I had to read it eventually. Get it
done with, I told myself. Get it over with.

--

My love,
I hope you read this. I won't blame you if you rip it up without
reading it. The way I've treated you is wrong. You gave your heart to
me, and I have wronged you terribly. You trusted me with the depths of
your soul, and I betrayed that trust.
What you told me scared me. I don't know why it scares me so much, but
I've finally figured out it isn't you. I know that you love me, and you
could never hurt me. I'm starting to understand what no explanation
could make me.

I love you with all of my heart and soul, and for what it's worth, I'm
sorry. I hope you still want me, but if you don't, I don't blame you.
If there is still a chance for me, leave the lamp on.
Is there a chance I can someday earn your forgiveness, perhaps even
your trust again?

I love you.

--

It took several tries to get the key into the lock. I had left the lamp
on, but I didn't see her car. I wasn't sure I could survive another
blow.
I slowly pushed the door open, terrified, the amber light of the lamp
we had found in some backwoods antique shop on some adventure dimly
flowed over the room.
She was there. Kneeling on the floor, the amber barely touching her. I
thought my heart was going to explode as I ran to her, crushing her to
me, drowning in her tears, and she in mine.

--

The sun woke me, the love of my life burrowing her head deeper in her
sleep to avoid it.
I never made it to the coffee machine. There, to the left of the knee
prints in the carpet, was the thick black belt she had given me. I was
still there, frozen, when I felt her arms wrap around me.

"I love you. I... I trust you"