And Now A Word From The Professionals
Unsure of the best course of action, Danny nervously slipped into the Schlomo booth in the mall.
Inside, there was the expected couch and desk, behind which was a manikin, faceless and dressed in a tweed suit. He lay down on the couch and inserted a ten dollar platinum chip into the coin slot attached to it. A dial on the desk indicated that he had ten minutes. A hidden projector on the far wall clicked on and shone an image of an elderly man's face onto the front of the manikin's head, which now had started to stir.
"Guten Tag. What appears to be the problem?" it asked, via a speaker somewhere in his chest. Its voice was kindly.
"Doctor, I am having trouble with my girlfriend," Danny told it. Within the desk, concealed, the loading mechanism selected the correct spool of magnetic tape and started playing it.
"That is most unfortunate," said the Schlomo, "What is the nature of these problems?"
"She has a bad temper, Doc, and a very short fuse. She takes every opportunity she can to put me down with the most vulgar language. She's liable to hurl objects at me too."
"How troubling this must be. What happens after she's thrown her tantrum?"
"When she calms down she goes back to being her lovely self. She apologises."
There was a click as the machine processed this.
"Do you see a future with this woman?"
"Yes, Doc. I love her."
"In that case, you must take action. Ein schwacher Mann kann nichts tun. Is this not so?"
"What do I do?"
"You must establish a cause and effect relationship. Teach her that there are consequences to her actions. To do so, you shall need this."
An alcove in the desk slid open.
"This is a rattan cane, and it is sehr gut at the task of chastising loved ones."
Danny flinched. "Doc, I can't do that!"
Even though the Schlomo's eyes were merely dots of light cast from the banks of the projector's celluloid tape, they seemed to peer into his soul.
"Sir, you will instruct the lady to bend over the back of an armchair. Bare her hindquarters. Naturally the spanking will then occur, nicht wahr? Strike the buttocks horizontally. Each stroke should be at least an inch below the one before it. They should be delivered with enough force to engender contrition. Once done, it is your duty as her lover to comfort her."
Danny wavered. "How much?"
"That will be forty dollars, including the license."
As Danny slid more chips into the slot, an auto-typewriter started up, striking the watermarked paper at a speed of three hundred words a minute. Danny soon held the license, officially permitting him to undertake acts of domestic discipline upon his girlfriend, by the authorisation of the Greater Anglo-American Mental Health Society.
With eight seconds left on the dial, the Schlomo concluded, "One more thing. If she seems to like it, come talk to me again."
Copyright 2009.
C.K. email
The irony in this story involves a futuristic computer playing the role of a psychologist and yet managing to come up with advice RE corporal punishment that could easily have been given by a human adviser from the distant and even not-so-distant past.
At least woman-chastising appears to be profitable for the Mental Health Society, which makes money for providing the advice and by charging for both the license apparently needed to carry that advice out and the cane to be used in doing so.
Given my personal gender spanking orientation, I do wonder if a woman with a similar problem dealing with her boyfriend would receive the same advice, along with the cane and license. Does the license legally compel the intended discipline recipient to accept the suggested punishment from his (or her) boyfriend (or girlfriend)? If it does, that's quite a punitive sentence given that it's based on only "one side of the story" (personal perspective on the relationship) given in less than ten minutes. Another uncertainty is the term "girlfriend," which is not legally defined (at least today), compared to "wife" which is today and would also presumably be in this future The protagonist might believe that the woman and himself have some sort of committed, long-term romantic relationship, but who's to say that she views it precisely that way?
From a pragmatic viewpoint, I'd consider it unlikely that a person presumably using a cane for the first time would be able to apply it to his girlfriend's bare buttocks with nearly the precision directed by the psychological counseling computer--IMHO a paddle would be much better for a domestic discipline neophyte due to the relative ease of control.
Two touches I did enjoy are the "Schlomo" computer psychologist occasionally using German phrases, apparently in reference to Sigmund Freud, and of course the kinky-cautionary comment at the story's end. It's good to know that (psychological) bottoms with striped (physical) bottoms will still be around in the heavily computerized future...
zadigski email
Don't you just hate the computerized answering system. You know, "If you are calling from a doctor's office, press 1. If you want to speak to billing, press 2. ...". Well, here is a neat little story that proposes that automated systems might get better in the future.
The story has a good premise and a good ending. The inclusion of German phrases makes the story seem more believable The story even addresses the problem of abuse when dealing with domestic discipline. This is worth reading.
Kris email
I thought this was a wonderful little science fiction, with creative use of German as well as the mechanical psychiatric device. The steampunk aspect of spools of tape changing out (as opposed to more contemporary devices like a computer screen and CD) was a nice touch, perhaps hinting that the dummy might have even been a contemporary of Freud, nicht wahr? This was a fun read and by far my favorite story from Andrew this year.